by Roxanna Grimes, M.A. spiritual development of children, CDAAC
“A closed spirit is a major cause for the misuse of drugs and alcohol, and a primary reason why children become sexually permissive.” Page, 1, The Key to Your Child's Heart, by Gary Smalley"
Our human and sinful nature desires to control. It is an insane compulsion to try to get our needs met and feel good, while still having the perfect results in our lives. This same drive can lead a parent into the false belief that he or she can apply this to parenting. This happens when the parent tries to get all of the child’s needs met, help him or her feel happy and still have the desired behavior and character development. The result is trying to live by "control" instead of by "grace". This often leads the child to have a closed spirit toward the parent, because in the attempt to control all the outcomes, a parent can say and do things that deeply offend and hurt the child. A closed spirit in a child toward the parent leaves the door wide open for others to creep in and attempt to satisfy the child’s needs and "lick their wounds".
Gary Smalley teaches in his book, The Key To Your Child’s Heart, 5 Steps to Reopen a Child’s Spirit. You can find these fully described steps on page 13 of the book.
Here is a brief summary of those steps:
Step one: Become tenderhearted and gentle toward the child in order to communicate the child’s value and importance. Show a desire to acknowledge that an offense has happened and that you want to slow down long enough to observe and work through it.
Step two: Increase understanding of the hurt and pain the child is experiencing and see the experience through their interpretation of the offense. Knowing someone can see and understand one’s pain can soften the spirit more quickly.
Step three: Parents needs to admit their wrongdoing, even if only in attitude. For example, disciplining a child may not be wrong, but doing it in harsh anger is wrong.
Step four: Begin to make an attempt to meaningfully and appropriately touch the child. If the child is open to touch, then we know their spirit is beginning to reopen. If they are not open to the touch, then we know their spirit is not opening yet. If a child is in puberty or has an accidental play injury, they may not be open to touch, but are opening their spirit anyway.
Step five: Seek forgiveness. If we have done wrong, it is our responsibility to give the opportunity to respond through forgiveness...
“…true restoration is confession of wrong plus forgiveness granted.” P. 19
Roxanna Grimes is an AOD Instructor at New Life Spirit Recovery where she teaches on marriage, family and parenting.
